I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
