i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
