no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
