my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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