i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
God, I missed his penis.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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