I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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