if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
