Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Drake has all the answers
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
