I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
