I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
