someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
