i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
