i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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