i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
