I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
