there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
be right there i have to get my cape
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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