im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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