Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
