Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
NoShamevember. You game?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
