The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
