Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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