I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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