now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
