He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
