did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Randomize
