He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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