Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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