My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
