also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Holy shit dude........stairs
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