Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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