I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
