I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
