So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
