White coat. Heels.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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