did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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