You're my little dorito
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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