There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
