What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
