Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
