How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
