We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
