I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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