I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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