Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
