it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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