wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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