i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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