you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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