I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
