On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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